self exploration

all my life I've searched for purpose. I know I'm not alone but when your alone with your own thoughts you might as well be sitting in an empty room with no door, no window, and one single solitary chair. The room I speak of as it pertains to me is the conference room of the mind. The ultimate definition for the lack of visible entree is instituted by my subconscious to let me feel I have ultimate control over what goes out and what goes in. Now if this makes very little sense to you who are reading this then guess what, we have something in common. Even though the thought of someone sitting in a room playing virtual mind chess with them self seems a little disturbing than I would have to question how well you think you know your own self. Growing I was introduced to the game of Chess, I had no idea I would win titles in it later on, I just knew It helped me understand why I was the only child who sat in the corner reading a book, or simply just wanting to be alone with my thoughts. When you really analyze a chess game its 2 people communitcating completely with there thoughts, no words are needed just well thought out exacutions. Later in life I realized I was just a very out spoken introvert, a person who when pressed into social situations shinned but preferred to be the quite kid in the corner.

I've never liked crowds for as long as I could remember (not really a bad experience associtated there I've just always feared not being an individual. at the age of 11 or 12 I decided I didn't want to eat lunch with the other kids, not because I wasn't there friend, I had lots of friends but I simply wasn't comfortable bieng apart of the "in crowd", they were cool but there hearts didn't look like mine). I love to look at enormous volumes of people becoming overwhelmed at the realization that these people too had "lives", families, mothers, fathers, friends, struggles, triumphs and ultimately there own thoughts (these are my thoughts as a third grader riding in the car to school peaking over the door at other people in there cars).